The pain of Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a hard day for me. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with my own wonderful Mother.  She is loving, kind, smart and I love her to pieces.

Instead, it has to do with the giant hole in my heart.  The hole that was left there when my oldest son left this world ten years ago today.

I remember Mother's Day ten years ago as if it was yesterday.  Gabriel's health was slipping.  He was having a harder and harder time with his oxygen levels.  We had been in and out of the hospital so many times, and Keith and I were barely sleeping as we tended to Gabriel's needs around the clock.  I remember hating the sound of the oxygen monitor beeping throughout the night.  I remember all of the medications.  I remember singing Christmas carols to Gabriel in the middle of May because I knew that we would likely not have another Christmas with him.  I remember wishing that I had more time and wishing that I did not have to waste that precious time on basic things like sleeping and eating.

On that Mother's Day ten years ago, I remember sitting in our apartment and watching Keith sleeping on the coach, both boys sleeping in his arms.  I knew that our time was short.  I must have spent 30 minutes just staring at the three of them.  Memorizing the way that they looked together.  Loving the way that the twins always moved toward each other while they were sleeping.

Four days later Gabriel left this Earth for heaven.  I was with him in the PICU.  Holding him.  Loving him.  Singing to him.  I asked all the doctors and nurses to leave us alone.  One kind nurse floated around in the background.  Checking on me.  Somehow knowing exactly what I needed and when I needed it.  Praise music playing in the background.  I was there with my precious baby boy was born into this world and I was there with him when he left this world for heaven.

Part of me died that day along with Gabriel.  I know that the hole in my heart will never completely heal.  It has been ten years, and sometimes the pain can still hit me like a tidal wave - raw and fresh.   During a recent small group study discussing the miracles performed by Jesus the question was asked, "Have you ever been with someone when they died?"  An innocent enough question, but I felt as if a lightening bolt had struck my body.  I have.  I held my son as he died.  I am eternally grateful that I was with Gabriel at the end of his life, but the pain that I felt as he died is indescribable.

So for me, Mother's Day is difficult.  Yes, I have four beautiful children on earth that I love more than words can express.  Yes, I have a husband who makes things special for me.  Yes, I have my own wonderful Mother.  But to me, Mother's Day is intertwined with the loss of Gabriel. 

I miss you my sweet precious boy and look forward to the day that I will see you again in Heaven.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life will be given over to the LORD."  1 Samuel 1:27-28.