Sunday, May 27, 2012

Two and three quarters

My baby is turning three years old tomorrow.  THREE!!  How is that even possible?

For the past few months, whenever Vivian was asked how old she was, she always replied by saying, "Two and three quarters."

A few hours ago,  I came to the sad realization that after today, Vivian would never answer that question the same way again.  So, just before bed I asked her how old she was just so I could hear the "two and three quarters" answer one last time.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Four Hugs a Day

 I don't know about the rest of you, but life is especially crazy right now. I can hardly wait for summer time which means . . . (drum roll please) NO HOMEWORK! I think I might actually be more excited about this then the kiddos.  Our schedule has been filled with school projects, written reports, oral reports, and end of the year performances.

Recently, Eliza's class did a "Year End Review" of the songs and poems that her class learned over the school year. I love watching school performaces, espcially if it involves a group of five and six year olds when anything can happen. I am one of those sappy moms who cries my way through the performace. Maybe it is because I already have one kiddos who is getting close to junior high. Maybe it is because the years seem to be going faster and faster and no matter what I do, my kids keep growing up. I am not sure. What I can tell you is that I enjoyed every second of Eliza's performance.

Here is a clip of my favorite song of the morning. Check out my daughter with the big personality in the front row.

And here is Eliza's number one fan: 

I hope you all are enjoying the end of the school year as much as we are!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The love of a Mother

I am sure by now you have all seen this new advertisment by Procter & Gamble honoring all that a Mother does for her child.

I love it.  Love, love, love it!

I have watched it at least fifteen times and it brings me to tears every single time.

There is no feeling like the love for a child.  Grab a tissue and enjoy!

The pain of Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a hard day for me. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with my own wonderful Mother.  She is loving, kind, smart and I love her to pieces.

Instead, it has to do with the giant hole in my heart.  The hole that was left there when my oldest son left this world ten years ago today.

I remember Mother's Day ten years ago as if it was yesterday.  Gabriel's health was slipping.  He was having a harder and harder time with his oxygen levels.  We had been in and out of the hospital so many times, and Keith and I were barely sleeping as we tended to Gabriel's needs around the clock.  I remember hating the sound of the oxygen monitor beeping throughout the night.  I remember all of the medications.  I remember singing Christmas carols to Gabriel in the middle of May because I knew that we would likely not have another Christmas with him.  I remember wishing that I had more time and wishing that I did not have to waste that precious time on basic things like sleeping and eating.

On that Mother's Day ten years ago, I remember sitting in our apartment and watching Keith sleeping on the coach, both boys sleeping in his arms.  I knew that our time was short.  I must have spent 30 minutes just staring at the three of them.  Memorizing the way that they looked together.  Loving the way that the twins always moved toward each other while they were sleeping.

Four days later Gabriel left this Earth for heaven.  I was with him in the PICU.  Holding him.  Loving him.  Singing to him.  I asked all the doctors and nurses to leave us alone.  One kind nurse floated around in the background.  Checking on me.  Somehow knowing exactly what I needed and when I needed it.  Praise music playing in the background.  I was there with my precious baby boy was born into this world and I was there with him when he left this world for heaven.

Part of me died that day along with Gabriel.  I know that the hole in my heart will never completely heal.  It has been ten years, and sometimes the pain can still hit me like a tidal wave - raw and fresh.   During a recent small group study discussing the miracles performed by Jesus the question was asked, "Have you ever been with someone when they died?"  An innocent enough question, but I felt as if a lightening bolt had struck my body.  I have.  I held my son as he died.  I am eternally grateful that I was with Gabriel at the end of his life, but the pain that I felt as he died is indescribable.

So for me, Mother's Day is difficult.  Yes, I have four beautiful children on earth that I love more than words can express.  Yes, I have a husband who makes things special for me.  Yes, I have my own wonderful Mother.  But to me, Mother's Day is intertwined with the loss of Gabriel. 

I miss you my sweet precious boy and look forward to the day that I will see you again in Heaven.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life will be given over to the LORD."  1 Samuel 1:27-28.